FAU Police Uses Excessive Force Against Vending Machine

FAU Police Officer Chet Radkinson was caught yesterday afternoon by three students, who witnessed him beating the shit out of an FAU vending machine.

“He kept hitting the thing over and over again, and I couldn’t understand why,” sophomore Stephanie Ross said of the incident. “There was another identical machine right next to it.”

Trying to get ahead of the story, FAU Police released a statement saying that all lives mattered, most especially the lives of officers who can’t get their Keebler’s. They also said the vending machine did have to take some culpability in the matter, because it had stolen six of Radkinson’s quarters.

“Sometimes I just need a sugar rush to get me through the day, you know?” Radkinson said. “It’s not that I hate vending machines themselves. It’s just that the culture they grew up in is so toxic. They’re welfare queens: eating people’s quarters but then not spitting anything back out again.”

“It was probably the worst form of police brutality the world has ever seen,” said decidedly white FAU student Brad Gardner, who cut the interview short, claiming he had to take his cat to yoga.