FAU Rec Center Feeling “Empty Inside” After Everyone Failed Their New Year’s Resolution

Students taking classes in the Forkas Alumni Center have begun calling in to the Hoot’s Super Secret NewsRoom to tell us that the Rec Center, or FAU’s Recreation and Fitness Center, has begun singing a parodied version of Drake’s 2015 hit song “Hotline Bling.” Hoot reporters were on scene to hear the Rec’s singing shortly after reports began flooding our newsroom, and they were able to interview the mass of living concrete. 

We can safely say that the reason why the Rec is belting such lines as, “You used to swipe in with your Owl Card/Late night when you needed a run,” is due to the significant drop in Rec center use. “I mean once the semester started in January,” said the Rec center, “it was crazy! I had people in me from open to close. They were running, and…lifting weights…and getting all…sweaty. Then February rolls around and no one is coming around anymore except that statue of Owlsley and those four dudebros who lift heavy shit and slap each other’s…oily pecs…all day. I’m just so lonely.” 

After the interview, the Rec began singing again. Other parodied lyrics include “You should’ve wiped down that weight machine/You made the lifters really mean” and “When I changed my hours you/started going to the Caf more/Eating stuff I ain’t ever seen before.” After that, the Rec, reportedly, began sobbing.

At press time, a group of professors from the Jewish Studies Program have classified the Rec center as a “golem,” and have begun the lengthy process of silencing it. 

An official statement made by the Office of the Dean of the College of Arts and Letters reads, in part, as follows: “[W]orst comes to worst, our brave faculty members are prepared to turn that statue of Owlsley into a golem as well to help us silence the Rec center. We can always ‘un-golem’ him once we’re done. We’ve already submitted the appropriate paperwork with President Kelly’s office. Plus, having a friendly golem on FAU’s side may assist us in that pesky UVA insurrection going on.”

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