FAU Rec Center Staff to Unleash New Plague Virus to Cut Down on Gym Crowd

If you come into the FAU Rec Center next week, you might be surprised to find an empty squat rack. In order to cut down on the daily barrage of gym goers, the FAU Rec Center staff has been approved to insert a new plague virus into whey protein shakes and pre-workout samples and will be giving them out to any attendee looking for that extra pump. The staff believes that releasing the plague virus via this method will eliminate those who take up too much time at the squat rack or posing in the mirror.

A bevy of plans have been previously put in place to limit the crowd at the Rec Center, including booby trapping some machines as torture devices, encouraging a no spotting rule, and forcibly removing that one guy in the gym who would always spot everyone and give unsolicited lifting advice. FAU even installed an actual guillotine among the other machines to cut down the amount of naive newcomers. The last known crowd-reducing tactic was the hiring of a shady individual in a cutoff sweatshirt with a hoodie on, who was stationed in the locker room selling cheap horse testosterone. Several reports reveal he is still in operation, and the staff is just letting Darwinism decide his fate.

Sophomore student and Rec Center employee Colin McSoy is thrilled about the upcoming epidemic. “I can’t wait to get back to looking at my phone and hitting on women on the treadmill,” McSoy said, adding that he has spent the last two months picking up weights that people leave on the floor. “As soon as I would pick up one plate, another guy hopped up on his pre-workout would put down two more.”

Gym bros, squat rack babysitters, and general shitty people can get their free whey protein or pre-workout shake this week. Although the virus will wipe out a considerable crowd, no procedure is currently set in place for the onslaught of people to come following New Year’s.