Three months after the horrific Thanksgiving disappearance of its beloved mascot Owlsley, the FAU administration has finally chosen the new face of the university: 90s demon spawn from Hell, Furby. With fresh, fun phrases like “Nee ty kah! (Tickle me!)” and “Dah lee koo koo ah (Praise the Dark Lord!),” Furby is set to make an appearance at the men’s basketball game this coming Thursday at 7 pm.
President Kelly claims that Furby is much cheaper to maintain than a student in a costume. “Furby is the new thing. All he needs are some batteries. Furby is going to make things so much more interactive for the student body. Look at how he dances and sings along with any music!” Kelly then proceeded to wiggle his ears, contort his neck, and let his eyes roll back into his head in an apparent attempt to mimic Furby’s “sweet dance moves.”
Student Kelly Riesling noted her displeasure at such a beast being present, claiming that its language is “abominable and lacks any kind of linguistic nuance.” Riesling also expressed concern over how Furby’s incomprehensible language may affect the student body. “Furby has a non-language. What if the students hear and begin to mimic those nonsensical phrases and spread them campus-wide? FAU won’t stand for ‘Florida Atlantic University’ any more, it’ll stand for ‘Feepa Aloo Uk.’ Or worse: ‘Fuba Aba Ub.’”
Another student, Bobby Joe Casey, said, “This is ‘Merica! We don’t need no damn disgusting dirty alien leading our sporting events!” Casey then proceeded to caress his shotgun as if it were a newborn.
Fraternity brother Dave Martin shared his view as well, saying, “Man, get that gay shit out of here.”
Hoot reporters had difficulty locating a single student who supported the presence of this awful and fearsome childhood ghost. However, one student born in 1998 was reportedly running around with shorts on his head, screaming, “Hell yeah, Furby! I’m a 90s kid, son!”
University administration will be holding a closed meeting this Thursday morning to decide whether students should be able to vote on Furby’s continued presence. Until then, Umma Nuka Doo.