On early Friday morning, U.S. government officials signed a leasing contract with FAU over Algonquin Hall, to turn the hall into a brand new military prison. The money coming in from this contract will reportedly fund FAU’s concerts featuring the most played artists from your 2006 iPod nano. When FAU proposed this contract, U.S. government officials were blown away by Algonquin Hall, stating that it was made “with a military prison in mind” and that the decaying walls and overall haunted aesthetic were perfect for torturing inmates.
While both parties are apparently thrilled about the new leasing contract, some people are less than ecstatic. “I don’t belong here, I just don’t belong,” said weeping alleged terrorist Shannon Thompson. “I thought Gitmo was bad, but this place… my God, I’ll tell you everything. I’ll tell you where the bodies are. Just let me go back to Cuba!”
“Seriously? First I get transferred from Parliament Hall to Algonquin Hall and now This!” said disgruntled Algonquin Hall resident assistant Jeremy Hill, yelling over the tortured screams around him. “All I wanted was a free meal plan, but FAU pulled a fast one on me. Resident board game night will never be the same.”
FAU officials are already praising the success of this new leasing contract and have been proposing renting out other buildings as well. Reports claim that the food court might double as a strip club in the near future, the FAU basketball arena will soon be a retirement home, and the second floor of the Student Union is already turning into a sewage treatment plant.