FAU to Replace Speed Bumps with Speed Walls

To slow down drivers speeding through campus, FAU is to replace speed bumps with speed walls starting over Thanksgiving break. These speed walls will be higher and steeper than speed bumps, and are said to be comparable to Mount Kilimanjaro. Sedans and monster trucks alike will have their suspension fucked, along with the rest of their cars, once the speed walls bring them to a complete and sudden stop through collision. “I can’t wait to test my Jeep out on these new speed walls. There’s nothing I love more than bringing my suspension to the brink of permanent damage,” said Bradley Turner, a senior at FAU and professional off-roading motorist. “There aren’t many places in Florida with rough and mountainous terrain, but FAU had wicked speed bumps, so they’re really stepping up their game with these walls.” At press time, Turner was airlifted to Boca Hospital after totaling his car while testing the speed wall, an event which will likely be a real speed bump in his budding off-roading career.