On Friday evening, student Nichole Hall came to the shocking conclusion that the FAU sprinkler system was running on human tears. Hall was on her way to class when she noticed the sprinkler system had been activated and was “rampantly discharging water” in her path, but she wasn’t going to let that stop her. “I thought to myself, ‘Fuck it,’” said Hall.
Midway through her sprint across the sidewalk, some of the water landed in her mouth.“It didn’t taste like what I thought well water would taste like,” said Hall. “It tasted kind of like salt water.” After some thorough digging, Hall uncovered that FAU has actually been substituting its irrigation water with tears garnered from students.
“We were discovering massive amounts of student tears accumulating around campus,” President Kelly claimed in a press conference. “There was no practical way we could clean it all, so we decided to use it to our advantage. The entire irrigation system now runs effectively on tears.” He went on to explain, “The more these students cry — whether it be a result of examinations, financial aid, or any other kind of stress — the less we have to spend on irrigation. And the more we raise the price of tuition, the higher influx of tears we receive. It’s like we found an oil reserve.”
When asked why the sprinkler system still chooses to target the sidewalks rather than the grass, administration awkwardly refused, providing no further comment.