On Tuesday night, Hannah Park sacrificed her roommate Emma Smith to Satan, who traded Smith’s body and soul for two extra credit points on her College Algebra exam.
According to a witness, Satan (FAU Class of ‘98) was once again summoned to the FAU Boca campus at midnight by Park, who drew a pentagram on the floor of her HPT double using the ashes of her past study guides. There, she reportedly chanted the FAU fight song backwards three times, which resulted in Smith’s body sinking into the ground until it had completely vanished. Every member of the resident hall reportedly heard Park’s blood-curdling scream which followed the sacrifice, as she instantly saw her College Algebra exam grade raise from a 63% to a 65% on Blackboard.
“I know sacrificing my roommate to an evil deity is against FAU policy, but when I saw that new notification pop up on Blackboard at midnight…praise Satan!” said Park.
A less enthused Satan said, “I always get these requests from students around midterms and finals and I just can’t be getting sidetracked by all this. I have clowns to send to Hell. You guys are just prolonging the issue.”
At press time, it was reported that Satan will not be coming back to his alma mater for roommate sacrifices unless it’s “like a four-person suite or something.” Coincidentally, Park was also reportedly seen in a new IRT joint double, telling her new roommates that “math just shouldn’t use letters.”