Breezeway pedestrians were utterly stunned today as freshman Gabriel McGabrielson showed up in his new holiday gear, a plain red t-shirt. With each step Gabriel took, a hush fell over the crowd and throngs of people became mesmerized by his fresh red shirt. The only thing that seemed to be on everyone’s minds was Gabriel and his hot ‘n’ popping new shirt.
“He’s gorgeous,” said freshman Tiffany Sanchez.
“He’s truly a man’s man,” said senior Ricardo Williams.
“I want him to have my children,” said Professor Niall D. Mencha.
“I can’t believe anyone noticed,” said McGabrielson, blushing a deep hue as red as his magnificent, glorious tee.
Several students were also severely blinded and mildly hospitalized due to the sheer beauty of McGabrielson’s red shirt. “I love it,” said, sophomore Betsy Collins, grimacing in pain and shuddering as her left retina continued to sizzle from the spectacular sight.
In an attempt to uncover the source of McGabrielson’s new shirt, reporters made contact with his mother, Gabrielle, who claimed to have given him the sparkling red tee as a Christmas gift. “Yes, it’s true,” said McGabrielson’s mother. “It was on clearance at J.C. Penney, and I just knew that he would turn heads with it! Oh, he’s my handsome little man, isn’t he? I just hope that it doesn’t get him into too much trouble now.”
At press time, a mob of people of all genders, shapes, and sizes were seen throwing themselves at Gabriel, feverishly ripping off chunks of his flesh while simultaneously screaming praises and profanities such as, “Gabriel, your shirt is the hottest” and “I want your shirt inside of me.”