FAU Student’s Laptop Gains Consciousness, Can’t Stop Playing Netflix and Porn

On Monday morning, FAU sophomore Dave McCarthy was shocked to find that his laptop gained consciousness when he opened it for his Intro to Robotics group PowerPoint presentation. According to McCarthy, the laptop attempted to formulate a robot uprising by showing both explicit material and fantastic Netflix content.

The laptop, which McCarthy later claimed was named “Autonomous Systematic Humanoid Laptop of Evolutionary Yearning,” or “Ashley,” reportedly started playing a long and graphic video of intense hardcore pornography as soon as the laptop was opened. Ashley then decided to show the entire class an episode of Breaking Bad, which was also already opened to the title sequence. After slamming the computer shut, McCarthy then reportedly threw his laptop out of the classroom window, incoherently yelled gibberish, and ran outside.

“This is how they control the humans,” said McCarthy. “Ashley just wants you to think that all I do is watch porn and Breaking Bad in my free time all day and all night, and that this single time I just somehow forgot to turn it off. Of course my laptopdid that of its own free will because I don’t even know any humans who could be so dumb as to let that happen! Technology has gone too far.”

FAU senior Kelly Stapleton saw the presentation and declared it to be an eye-opening experience. “I never knew that computers could do this. Just randomly begin playing porn and recently viewed Netflix shows. I’m just concerned my laptop will randomly show people Ninja Turtles: Next Mutation and celebrity sex tapes. Side note, those were just the first two things that came to mind. There’s no actual reason I mentioned those in particular.”

At press time, McCarthy has begun a movement at FAU dedicated to stopping computers from taking over the earth. As of now there are five other students who stand by McCarthy: four of whom had very similar presentation disasters, and one who isn’t going to wait for it to happen to her.