“How can I appear the most liberal and pretentious in a group?”
It’s a question that races through the mind of many active members of the Boca Raton social scene. These Ratonians often find themselves out and about, having to contend with phrases like, “I’m SO into commune documentaries right now,” or, “I’m only eating food that was never alive.” As Senior Jenny Holtz put it, “It can be a little intimidating.”
“It’s not just enough that I graduated from a more liberal university — people need to know how liberal I am,” a former student revealed. “That’s why I always speak in such broad terms. I refer to everyone as ‘human’ just to be safe,” said the homosapien.
To answer everyone’s non-denominational prayers, FAU has announced a new course to teach students how to appear the most liberal and pretentious at any cocktail party.
The course is broken down into three tiers. First is the food tier, where the class will teach students how to make others feel guilty about what they eat, drink, inhale, snort, and sniff. Students, however, are advised to keep an open mind about all foods they publicly demonize, as their views will be expected to change from week to week. The syllabus specifically details that students will be taught how to use a simple look to convey their dismay over the red-meat-filled sliders their co-partiers may be eating.
Second is the “social issues” tier. While this tier mostly consists of improvising to better keep up with current events, students will be taught a number of helpful expressions like, “Really, America? This is why I need to go back to France!” In this scenario, if the student has never been to France, they are shown how to repress those memories and blurt out the phrase regardless.
Finally, the class will move into the “social media” tier. “A pretentious liberal at a party won’t just talk the talk to anyone who makes eye contact, but they will also walk the walk,” said course professor Emilio Gagadoo. The course will detail ways of backing up über-progressive ideas by showing pictures of “alternative vegan dinners in a flash!” and regularly posting anything Lena Dunham says or writes. To have the greatest impact, students are taught how to caption all of these as if they’re giving a speech at a town hall meeting.
The course will run for 15 weeks and will break for all major holidays, including but not limited to “Bunnies’ Rights Day.”