FAU’s Parking and Transportation Services announced this morning that in an effort to solve the university’s lack of parking, all cars on campus have been declared illegal. The ban comes days after commuter student Arthur Kassi sent a viral tweet criticizing FAU’s parking problem.
“@FAUpresident uhhh where the parking spaces Jonny boY?? Ur telling me that u build all those big car houses but there’s no room 4me? i ‘m vrooming around and im gonna be late 4 class.”
After Kassi’s tweet accrued massive support, President Kelly released a statement confirming that FAU would become a car-free university. “Hello, my sweet, sweet babies. Being your daddy and prez have been the best, but ever since my first day in office, more than half of the issues brought to my attention have been parking-related. Wtf is going on, cuties? We have in the past approved multiple projects which increased the number of areas to park, including a new garage and lot, but people are still 🙁 I gotta do right by my precious Owlets and just ban those evil, pesky car machines for good. Anyway, have a wonderful rest of the school year! Ttyl, luv u! <3”
Immediately following the ban, multiple parking enforcement officers were reportedly transported to Student Health Services, with all of them having suffered existential crises simultaneously. A quiet chant of “Park in lot colors that correspond to your virtual permit color… Always park your vehicle head in…” could be heard as they were wheeled into the Breezeway, according to close sources.
At press time, university police traded in their patrol cars for horses, and hundreds of commuter students have already found themselves in handcuffs. Sophomore Lesley Grant was one of the first commuters charged with car possession. “Guess they’re gonna have to get that Lane Train out of storage,” said Grant as she was being taken into custody. “Choo choo, bitches.”