Addressing the ongoing problem of piss-filled toilet seats in FAU’s student restrooms, the university’s administration has announced a 3 million dollar potty-training program to help both students who can’t seem to shoot on target and the “unfortunate souls” who must deal with the tragic consequences of sitting on someone else’s urine.
After ignoring this issue for years, administration finally decided to act only after sophomore Katherine Lilly fell into a coma after accidentally sitting on a pee-filled toilet seat in a Breezeway bathroom. “While part of the problem was that Katherine was using a Breezeway bathroom, no one should have to go through such a horrifying event,” said an anonymous source within administration.
After news of Lilly’s coma broke, other young women of FAU came forward to discuss their own traumatic experiences. Many banded together to create a support group for fellow femmes named “Golden Survivors,” which then demanded that administration do something. After one long Facebook post demanding change and threatening an end to the Facebook friendships of all who didn’t show support, FAU administration finally replied to the Golden Survivors page with, “Okok, 3 mill bucks aite for a program?”
“We are are here to help the bathroom deficient and the lavatory leary,” Gianna Fischer, president of Golden Survivors, told reporters. “And today we banded together and brought about the change we needed.”
As part of the regulation process, the potty training program will incorporate cameras in every single bathroom stall at the university to regulate both male and female seat-pissers. This sparked even more outrage from a student body still traumatized by the 2013 incident in which an FAU librarian filmed people on the toilet and posted the videos to online porn kingdom PornHub.
“Look, quite honestly, I don’t care if people see my junk. But I don’t want FAU faculty telling me how to do my business either,” says business major Jimmy Lanker. When asked if he was one of the frequent seat-pissers in question, Lanker replied, “No comment at this time.”
Administration officials have cited that these cameras are different because instead of uploading the videos to PornHub, the videos will be uploaded to a private cloud accessible solely by President John Kelly.
At press time, President Kelly went on record saying, “This is kinda gross, but I will do whatever my student body needs me to do. Even if it means doing this… all… by… myself…” It is rumored that the President gagged for two hours straight after the press conference.