This past weekend, it had been revealed that the brand new FAU weekly random COVID-19 testing program was actually a tactic being used by the Illuminati to probe students. This information has been humbly brought to our attention by a middle-aged seemingly homeless man sleeping underneath the stairs on the Breezeway. Due to his apparent legitimacy, we and many other students who heed his warnings are feeling inclined to believe him.
“It’s scary stuff to think about,” Admitted concerned student Henry Fine. “I knew those nurses walking in and out of the testing center always looked sketchy. Thank God, I’ve been informed that they’re actually lizard people in disguise.”
At press time, the FAU Student Government officially announced that they “are not probing students.” But we know the truth. Stay safe out there, owls.