Florida-Grown Man Revs Truck Engine At 3 AM

Reports are now confirming that the source of the deafening noise heard Friday morning at 3 A.M. was not a sonic boom, but rather the engine of Florida-grown man Richard Walsh’s pickup truck. Walsh, who prefers to be referred to as “Big Rig Dick,” performed a lap around the parking lot of a nursing home before revving the massive vehicle’s eardrum-shattering exhaust system, causing seven of the startled elderly residents to suffer from cardiac arrest. Witnesses claim the Ford F-350 was fitted with an eight-inch suspension kit and had a foot-high Confederate flag protruding from the roof, a bag of fishing gear in the bed that appeared as though it had never been used, and a trailer hitch ornamented with a pair of dangling metal truck nuts. “Born and raised right here in the Sunshine State,” Walsh said proudly as he tipped his Make America Great Again hat and packed a wad of tobacco dip inside his bottom lip. “Sometimes I can’t tell which is louder: the rig, or the sound of every girl on the planet orgasming at once. Let that serve as a lesson to all you fellers out there. You best be cuffin’ your chicks before I get to ‘em. Also, the next time one of y’all says I’m compensating for something, this truck’s getting an inch taller, ya hear?” At press time, Walsh was seen at a gas station fueling his truck for the fourth time in less than an hour.