Thursday night, Local Frat Bro Falcon Hawkmoon was hospitalized preemptively along with several of his brothers in preparation for Spring Break 2016. Although nothing was wrong with any of them, they all knew that something was “definitely going to happen” to at least one of them by the end of the week.
The idea had its genesis last Friday, when Hawkmoon threw a keg party which left thirteen frat boys hospitalized, seven minorly injured, and one terribly confused about his sexuality. All have recovered since then, but the Brotherhood decided to hospitalize themselves as a precautionary measure before the “mad raging” of Spring Break begins.
“This is Sprang Break, bro. No regrets, no hospital breaks. Just MAD PARTYING and TITTIES. Mad partying and titties…” said Fraternity brother Jonathan Kindle.
Although this move is not entirely logical, doctors at the local hospital have said, “At least they are concerned about their liver health, kind of.”
When asked what they are trying to achieve by visiting the hospital before actually having any problems, sophomore bro and international business major Steven Handler told The Hoot, “Look, see, we are going to consume a LOT of alcohol. So we’re trying to let our bodies take a mental note that we have already done all the hospital shit, so that when we get alcohol poisoning in Cocoa Beach, our body fights it off because it’ll be like, ‘Bro, been there done that.’ It’s really simple, man.”
The various wild activities the Brotherhood has in store for Spring Break include couch-sitting, keg-standing, keg-running, keg-sitting, titty-watching, skinny-dipping, sleep-deprivation, sweaty-sadness, murder-confessing, and couch-sodomy. As Hawkmoon put it, “We can’t stop, and we won’t stop.”
The Brotherhood was released within 12 minutes of checking in, with all of the bros calling the night a “massive success.” “Exsisto paratus, I always say,” said Hawkmoon. “That’s Latin for something.”