Edward O’Burke quickly regretted skipping his ENC1101 class on Tuesday when a door ram knocked his Parliament dorm room door off and six heavily armed men in SWAT gear ambushed the room with rifles pointed at him. O’Burke was still under the covers of his bed in his boxers, sending Snapchats to the many girls who would be impressed by how much of a rebel he was. The SWAT officers dragged O’Burke from the bed and beat him with his textbook until he confessed that he was skipping class to study for his Life Science exam.
The officers then forced O’Burke to march at gunpoint from Parliament over to his class in General Classroom South. His instructor, Dr. Christine Delillo, sent the SWAT team when she noticed O’Burke was not present in class. “Nobody is allowed to miss any college,” Delillo said as she forced O’Burke, who was still in nothing but his boxers, to handwrite the entire course textbook. “ENC 1101 is the single most important course an Owl can take. If you miss my class, I will send my boys after you.”
Dr. Delillo has done this before and is responsible for the heroic capture of freshmen Jonathan Baines and Jessica Goul back in November, when the two were late to her class because they were in a car accident. Both SWAT teams, one intended for Baines and one for Goul, arrived at the scene in armored cars and pulled in the students out of their flaming car. Dr. Delillo is proud of her gentile practices and says that her techniques are the most loving in the English Department. “Dr. DuBois and Ms. Zito are both known for crucifying students who skip their classes, so I feel really badass when sending in SWAT teams to save my students. College Writing is not just a course. People die in this business.”
The loving professor shoved O’Burke’s final paper, which had a fat red ‘F’ on it, into his mouth after the dismissal of the evening ENC1101 class, after which the SWAT team returned to drag O’Burke to the jail underneath President Kelly’s mansion.