On Monday afternoon, freshman business major Josh Braverman triumphantly left J.C. Penny with a new suit, making this the second suit he has ever owned after his bar mitzvah. The life-changing purchase came after Braverman failed his second college Algebra exam, which left him needing to reaffirm his decision of entering the world of business. Once purchased, Braverman reportedly felt a powerful rush inside of him, as he took the first step of graduating as an FAU Business major.
“Buying this suit was a big step for me committing to the world of business. Now I watch all the CNBC shows and not just Shark Tank,” said a gleaming Braverman. “I feel like I’ve changed so much since buying this suit, especially my political party, I guess I’m a real businessman!”
“He’s changed so much, we used to have such a strong connection and would talk all day about movies and games. But now all he wants to talk about are thread counts, Jeff Bezos, and stock prices,” said a teary-eyed Jennifer Glazer, girlfriend of Braverman. “What the fuck is synergy and why does he keep saying it?”
At press time, Braverman has yet to take off his suit, wearing it to every class, Dining Hall meal, and gym workout, in case of a sporadic business meeting. It has also been reported that he has changed his employment status on Facebook from unemployed to entrepreneur.