This morning, Palm Beach County released the findings of a bizarre study that confirms everyone’s fears: nearly a quarter of FAU students will be dragged away by giant banana spiders in 2016.
While the campus banana spider infestation has been widely accepted by FAU students, who regularly have to check to make sure they’re not going to walk into the webs of these beasts, the full extent of this problem has been kept under wraps. The largest spider on FAU’s campus was found on Monday. Its leg span measuring exactly eight feet, the spider was found sitting on a web between two palm trees outside of the breezeway. Upon further observation, authorities spotted the bodies of two unidentified students who had been cocooned in the monster’s web. It is suspected that they were both being used to harvest its young. Eventually, the danger was vanquished when Sigourney Weaver was hired to kill it with a flame thrower. Popcorn was served at the event.
However, the spiders struck back in greater numbers at noon Tuesday when they attacked a sociology class in the social sciences building. About twenty retriever-sized banana spiders stormed the class, hissing an awful war cry, and tied up five students with spider silk before dragging them away to the unknown. The assumed leader of the attack stayed behind and slaughtered the professor in front of the surviving students. “It was basically like when the fascist Argentinian government surrounded the factories where workers were doing peaceful sit-ins. But with spiders. If anything, this helped me understand Marx’s point more,” said Lyla, one of the survivors. The rest of the sociology majors believe they were targeted because of their numerous gender identities, but this has not been proven.
These past few days leave us with more questions than answers. Why are the spiders attacking now? What has happened to the missing students? Is former president Saunders not really a vampire, but the Spider Queen? And most importantly, when will they strike again? Based on the results of today’s study, we shall soon see.Omh