On Monday morning, FSU’s Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life emailed all Greek life members their newly formulated equation for dictating how much charity a chapter needs to do before they are allowed to kill another pledge. While Greek life is currently shut down at the university, FSU officials and Greek life members have been hard at work figuring out how they can excuse deaths in the name of charity. With this new mathematical breakthrough, there’s no telling how many future chapters will be saved by the heartwarming gift of charity.
“It feels so good to contribute and be the change I seek in the world,” said a smiling Brenden Smith, founder of the new equation. “I worked so hard to figure it out, but it turns out the equation was simple: ∑fRaT * (√cH+aR+iT+y) = Injustice*∞. Ultimately, this translates to any amount of charity. That’s right, any amount of charity that a chapter does can be used as an excuse to get away with manslaughter. Isn’t this exciting!”
“I know we just killed someone, but what about Dance Marathon, huh? Didn’t you see us dancing for money? Why do you hate charity? It’s all for the kids,” screamed fraternity brother Jay Maxton, testing out the new equation. “I bet you also hate kids. Hey, this guy hates charity and kids suffering from leukemia!”
At press time, FSU has already declared their equation to be the biggest mathematical achievement of the millennium, as it has already been adopted by Pennsylvania State University, Louisiana State University, and nearly all members of Greek life that are looking to excuse Greek life culture. Currently, equation founder Smith is working on another equation to figure out how pledge members that die via hazing would have died some other way, and that it’s not the brothers fault, that pledges and not Greek life should have more accountability, and that hazing simply builds character.