‘Fuck It,’ Says FAU Barista After Failing To Hear Student’s Name

Repeatedly struggling to hear the customer’s name, on-campus Starbucks barista Dylan Kennedy reportedly released a long, exasperated sigh Friday and whispered “fuck it” to himself. “I can’t fucking hear anything in here. I’m just gonna put some letters on the cup and hope it’s close to her actual name.”

Starbucks is notoriously known to spell customers’ names inaccurately, and, according to some students, it hardly tends to phase them anymore. “Yeah, it was annoying at first, but now it doesn’t really bother me,” said local Starbucks aficionado Kelly Nettle. “I mean, I have a relatively easy name to spell, but one time, my cup said ‘kehlaee.’ Who spells a name like that?” 

Kennedy has since spoken to the press, saying, “I’m just there to make coffee, man, but I do feel bad for people who have really long names. Just shorten it, bro. If your name is Anabelenciaga, just say Ana. I ain’t got time to write all that bullshit. Do you see the line that I have to take down? You try doing this every day for minimum wage.” At press time, many students acknowledged that the baristas were trying their best. As one senior said, “It’s really just the Karens that complain to management about juvenile service.”