On Monday morning in the middle of a Gender and Society class, FAU junior Connor White was greeted with a standing ovation after bravely declaring that women deserve to have rights. White, whose past accomplishments include stating that “maybe we shouldn’t hit women,” “I guess they should vote since everyone else can,” and “rape is a thing,” has been called an absolute hero by his classmates, all of whom cried, stood, and clapped for his groundbreaking progressiveness. While White’s classmates were immensely taken aback by such a hard-hitting stance, the professor of the course, Dr. Shannon Murphy, reportedly fainted, as she just couldn’t handle such a radical thought.
“Everyone was so amazed. Like, ‘how can a guy be this open-minded?’” said a smiling White as he looked around for further validation. “I just hope to be an inspiration for others and to guide other men towards becoming brave feminists like me.”
“I didn’t know what to do but stand up and clap for this beautiful progressive man,” said a crying Tabitha Parker, one of White’s classmates. “It’s just… even I’ve never thought of such a revolutionary idea. I mean, women… deserving… rights? This man deserves a thousand standing ovations.”
At press time, White was seen speaking to a cheering crowd of thousands at the football stadium, declaring that “the right woman could totally make a good president” and that “maybe women don’t owe men sex just because they’re polite.”