Good Christian Returns to Church for Easter to Displace Elderly Lady from Regular Seat

Good Christian Samantha Ramirez returned to St. Joan of Arc Catholic Church this Sunday morning to partake in her annual Easter tradition of displacing an elderly lady from her seat. The junior English major and her family are what some would call“CEO Catholics” or “Christmas-Easter-Only Catholics.” Despite this, Ramirez calls herself a devout Christian woman.

“I am really nice to people,” said Ramirez as she stared down multiple elderly women who were looking for seats in the crowded congregation. “I know I am a vegan, but I made sure to give up chocolate again for Lent this year.”  

“Jesus said love your neighbor as yourself, and I am loving myself by sleeping in on Sundays and giving myself some elbow room,” Ramirez added as her and her family of six spread themselves out across the pew to deny anybody else access to it.

At press time, Ramirez was seen cutting off senior citizens in the Communion lines.