Edna Rubowitz, grandmother of four, mother of two, and widow of one, is absolutely sick of seeing everyone wear her favorite sweater. After the 1992 purchase of her now-famous sweater in Sears, her favorite retail outlet, she enjoyed wearing it freely and without fear of accidentally matching someone else.“The only time I would have to worry about matching wardrobes was at my retirement home’s annual Christmas craft fair after-party, and even then, the yarn in Grace’s reindeer sweater is shit. She probably bought that ugly excuse for a cardigan at Ames.”
Mary Rubowitz, granddaughter of Edna and sorority sister of Phi Mu, has been sporting her own ugly sweater for the last fifteen 80° days of the Florida winter. “Grandma’s overreacting. My sweater is so high-key,” she claimed, still sporting her $39.99 Forever 21 gingerbread themed sweater. “It’s no wool abomination like grandma’s, but we have the same design and mildew smell.” Mary plans on wearing the sweater for twelve more days, or until Chad Stevenson finally notices her.
But those who wish to follow Edna’s wishes have found themselves in a tough place. Mark Rubowitz, Edna’s grandson, showed up to an ugly sweater party last Saturday with a standard navy blue sweater vest. Even paired with a button-down, his ensemble was not enough. His sweaty ugly sweater bearing friends immediately ejected him from the party, taking the sugar cookies he brought and thus leaving him completely alone.
Edna reported that it has been years since she was last able to peruse the Dean Martin cassette tapes at her local Goodwill without some “smelly millennial” asking which section she found her sweater in. Two weeks ago, she edited all of her grandchildren out of her will and added an amendment stating that she must be buried in her gingerbread sweater. Edna hopes for a spell of bad health soon so that she and her outdated sweater fashion will finally die off.