Unwilling to extend their patience for even a moment longer, the students of Professor Elliot’s Life Science lecture declared Friday that the guy experiencing a perpetual coughing fit in class seriously needs to get that shit under control. “If this guy thinks he’s going to hack up a lung for the entire fucking class then we’re going to have a serious problem,” said sophomore Rebecca Cress on behalf of the lecture hall’s ninety-seven students, adding that they have had it up to here with this goddamn bullshit. “Going to class is hard enough without it sounding like we’re in hospice care. One or two coughs and maybe even a throat-clear is tolerable, but for Christ’s sake, dude, pop a Benadryl tablet or just stay home.” At press time, the ailing man’s coughing came to a welcome end after he suddenly collapsed. He was then promptly carried out on a stretcher by paramedics as the entire lecture hall erupted into a booming applause.