Horoscopes For The Week Of January 27th

Aquarius

Holy shit fuck it’s Aquarius season, Aquarius. Fuck all the “curb your spending and eating habits this week because Taco Bell and McDonalds aren’t the only things on the food pyramid you fat shit” nonsense. This is your time to shine Aquarius. If that means getting a $5 cravings menu box from Taco Bell and then going to McD’s for a McFlurry then so be it. It’s not your fault they’re 500 feet from each other. 

Pisces

Good news and bad news this week, Pisces. Good news: it turns out you’re of royal blood! An ancient civilization wholly other and alien living at the bottom of the world’s deepest oceans has tracked you down, and will soon pull you back into the surf! Bad news: as the heir apparent to this hereditary monarchy under the sea, it is now your job to feed Gl’bgolyb, Emissary to the Horrorterrors, for all eternity, for, as it is written, if Gl’bgolyb goes hungry, she will feed upon the whole world, and usher in the Vast Glub. Well at least your life has a purpose now. Too bad that English Lit degree you’ve been working on won’t help you underwater. 

Aries

You’ve seen it in dreams, Aries, and so have we. That great expanse shrouded in mist with a single figure haggardly walking over a field unseen, from a destination unknown, to a destination unknowable. You see the figure crossing the expanse, trudging through the mist, their coat is drenched from rain, their face is red with sweat. They carry with them a note, the contents of which is unknown to them, and to you. They walk until their body can no longer place one foot in front of the other, and then they trip and fall. The mist covering the figure over their barely conscious body waits to be found by worms which will, ultimately, see to the figure’s existence coming to an end. The note, from destination unknown to a destination unknowable, having never been delivered. We’ve been having that dream too, Aries. We have deciphered this cryptic dream’s equally cryptic message. Remember to bring a blue scantron with you to class on Tuesday.  

Taurus

Taurus, it’s not easy staying home and watching Netflix every damn day of your life. Be sure to diversify your week by taking some time to go outside, but please make sure to bring mosquito repellent and a few granola bars. You never know where people who have the slightest disagreement with you may lurk. Keep your eyes open; people don’t like the smell of Off! ™.

Gemini

Listen here you two sided bitches, this week is going to be hell for Gemini’s. You think that this week is going to be all sunshine and rainbows because you’ve planned to go to the gym and study before your first exam, but the other half of you got mixed up in the Coronavirus. Sorry Gemini, but looks like you’ll be trying to survive in the hospital for the rest of the semester while fending off gallstones as well. 

Cancer

Cancer, this week may be stressful for you. Make sure you take breaks and look after yourself more than usual. Skip class if you feel like it. Better yet, drop out of them. Cut off all your friends and family. Blow all your FAFSA money on a one way trip to some beach in Mexico and never come back. It’s self-care.

Leo

Be alert this week Leo, the stars have revealed a possible new opportunity for growth. More specifically, the stars will show you this one crazy trick dating apps hate that makes anyone fall in love with you. All we need are the 15 digits on the front of your credit card,  the expiration date, your zip code, and the 3 digits on the back.

Virgo

Your overly critical nature has been making you a bit of a monster lately. You can’t seem to go a minute without wreaking havoc, and people are starting to lose their patience. My advice to you is to channel this hostility you seem to contain into a project. Try a dream board or maybe even teach yourself how to knit or something.  Anything! Just try to relax you big baby! 

Libra

Beware of your indecisiveness this week, charming Libra. Remember to close doors behind you, lest it follow you in. Remember to clean your glasses, to catch it before it catches you. The most useful mechanism to catch it with is a handheld net, or a trap set with a small wire cage and a piece of cheese. Do so humanely, and release it in an isolated place. Use caution. 

Scorpio

We get it. It’s been a long week. Classes just started and you’re already plotting against half your professors. You’re a fucking Scorpio for crying out loud. Seen as royalty by these other signs. You don’t need this negative energy around you. But think of it this way, if you quit now, you won’t be the goat. People will look at you like just another weakling who couldn’t handle a little trouble. They’ll see you as one of them and think they can relate to your kind. Fuck that. As Scorpios, we dominate everything we do & look hot as shit doing it. This week, tolerate those peasants a little better and ignore the bullshit. Don’t want that crown to fall.

Sagittarius

I don’t even need to tell you how it’s going to be Sagittarius. You’ve been killing the game and there’s really no stopping you.You need more than shades with how bright your future looks (I suggest some SPF 100+ and  a nice parasol). If I can ask of anything from you, Sagittarius, it’s save some good vibes for the rest of us! Jeez louise!

Capricorn

Capricorn, there’s no easy way to put this. We’ve received word that the mafia is attempting to hunt you down and kill you. They found out about that one chain text you didn’t forward to 20 people when you were 12 and now they’re out for blood. Anyway, good luck with that whole mess. What? We’re just the messenger. This is up to you now, buddy.