Housing Builds Raccoon-Exclusive Dormitory To Ease Gang Violence

Relations between the ducks and iguanas on campus are still tense. The increase in gang violence has led another group to feel vulnerable and threatened: the raccoons.

Since the conflict erupted, these critters have sat back and watched the ducks and iguanas ransack each other’s living quarters, but finally realized they were no longer safe when both groups reportedly united to defile their sacred trash cans.

Local Ecology student and raccoon enthusiast Naomi Sterling has witnessed the vandalism first hand. “The ducks and iguanas, like, teamed up against the raccoons and spray-painted all of their trash cans around campus.”

Housing was notified of the incident and has recently broken ground on the new raccoon-exclusive dormitory. “We hope this new dorm, filled with an abundance of trash cans, eases the new tensions between the animals on campus,” said Aaron Miah, FAU Housing Director. “If the gang violence continues, we may have to take to more extreme measures. The raccoons didn’t do anything to deserve such trash treatment.”

In the meantime, the raccoons have allegedly fled to the FAU Preserve in search of refuge, and that the burrowing owls are already assembling their troops for an impending turf war.