Hurricane Dorian Changes Trajectory After Learning About Florida Man

The National Weather Service confirmed Monday that Hurricane Dorian, once projected to make landfall in Florida, has abruptly decided to alter its trajectory after learning about the notorious Florida Man. The latest reports of Florida Man spending nearly two hours screaming at random people from atop a Wendy’s roof in only his underwear were reportedly enough to steer Dorian away to Georgia and the Carolinas. “Yeah, I think I’m gonna sit this one out,” the massive Category 4 storm told reporters. “That Florida Man shit has me scared. Did you ever hear the one about him doing whip-its with an alligator behind a Walmart? I mean, what the fuck? They have it bad enough over there without me getting involved. I hope the next hurricane to mess with Florida is made of tougher stuff because that state terrifies me.” At press time, sources confirmed that Florida Man had donned a pair of boxing gloves in preparation to “fight the hurricane,” should Dorian have a change of heart and make way toward Florida again.