Innocent Professor Unsure Why So Many Students Absent Today

Dr. Mary-Jane Reefer could not figure out why even her most prized students did not come to class on Thursday morning, April 20th, 2017.

“Most students sent emails saying they had to stay home to do special all-natural activities with grass and leaves,” she said, looking out at the barren classroom. “Other students complained that their eyes were too red to focus or that they had bad coughs and huge appetites. The only student who bothered to show up was clearly stoned, so I asked him to go home. I won’t tolerate any of that in my classroom.”

Other professors appear unfazed over the disappearance of their students, stating that it occurs every year. Some give their students the day off, claiming to have religious observances on this day.

“I wish my students would’ve come to class with the all-natural leaves they’re so excited to be studying. We could have all been researching together,” Professor Reefer said, before heading off into the haze-covered campus for destinations unknown.

There has been no official word regarding where President Kelly has gone on this day or how he feels about the lack of student bodies. Some sources, however, have claimed to see him hiding in trees, holding special vases and pipes and screeching at the students who walk by him. Everything is expected to return to normal on Friday, with Kelly back holding special vases in his office and student attendance rates back up to 43%.