In a surprising turn of events, the Miami Dolphins of the National Football League have signed an FAU intramural flag football star to be their new quarterback. FAU sophomore John Byner, a six foot one inch tall gunslinger, signed a 3 year deal with an undisclosed fee. Byner was scouted heavily in the early part of the intramural season while playing for his co-ed intramural team, the Slammin’ Sophomore Sluts.
“I love throwing the ol’ pigskin,” said the excited FAU sophomore, who is pursuing a Bachelor of Science degree in Cover Two Defense with a Minor in Smacking Asses After Throwing Tight Spirals to Make Tight Ends Open. “I’m here to move the sticks. I am not about that dink and dunk offense.”
Spectators are unsure how the FAU football team let such a prized talent slip away straight to the league. With NFL fans certain that current Dolphin starter Jay Cutler is totally brain dead, many are excited see what Byner can do. “Neither Tom Brady nor Joe Montana ever won a co-ed flag football championship hosted by FAU Recreation, so you already know how fucking real I am.” said Byner to his now former intramural teammates before their preparations for next week’s game, where they will face the dazzling 5 foot 3 Liz Browning and her pumpkin spiced latte. “Hashtag: GOAT.”
To make up for their loss of Byner, the Slammin’ Sophomore Sluts were speaking with Colin Kaepernick’s agent to discuss a contract to help them win their co-ed league this fall. Sources claim that they have guaranteed him 120 free meals at the Caf, as well as reassurance that, since women have equal social status in their league, conservatives don’t watch their games.
At press time, Byner was found skipping reps in the weightroom for the Student Union’s movie night presentation of “A Walk to Remember.”