Florida Atlantic University’s most notorious toothpick chewer, Jerry “Toothpick Guy” Park, was rushed to the hospital last Friday after choking on a toothpick. The incident occurred during Park’s public speaking class, when a piece of the toothpick that he had been chewing throughout his speech on the Onion Futures Act reportedly broke off and became lodged in the back of his throat.
“It was a close call today, but I think Mr. Park will be just fine,” said Instructor Mort Corin, who called 911 and attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuver on Park after he wrapped his hands around his neck to demonstrate the universal choking sign. “In all the years I have been working in the field of public speaking, I have seen too many young people lose their lives to chewing toothpicks. The consequences are just not worth the risk.”
According to the student witnesses on the scene, the entire class appeared to be suspended in an almost catatonic state as Park collapsed to the ground in a fit of wheezing gasps.
“Everyone knew that Jerry choking on his own toothpick during class was something that was always meant to be,” said Park’s classmate, Li Banks. “He really had it coming! We were all in such a daze, deciphering fantasy from reality and making sure that what we all had predicted for months was actually happening. Having said that, it was awful watching him choke. Toothpicks are so pointy. I’m glad that he’s okay. That cowboy really needs to find a less reckless way to deal with his oral fixation. Get well soon, Jerry!”
On Monday morning, Park returned to class in stable condition, a fresh toothpick loosely dangled from his mouth as he delivered a new speech in front of his classmates.
“A pack of gum: expensive, not eco-friendly, and stays in your system for seven years if you accidentally swallow it. A pack of cigarettes: ten dollars, not eco-friendly, and proven harmful. Toothpicks? Five dollars at the CVS, they will last me months, and they are what? Eco-friendly. I accept death and I accept my life as a toothpick man. Leave me and my toothpicks alone, you classist, apathetic clowns.”