After a week of going out with friends, your terribly attached ex is one-hundred percent aware of just how great your life is through the endless stream of emojis on your Venmo feed.
Though you didn’t block them for some reason, you definitely should have, dude. After coffee emoji after coffee emoji, they’ve just about had it with how joyful and carefree you are without their toxic presence. Their increasing suspicion about your possible romantic interests, who are definitely healthier for you than them, has come to a head. One more “Chinese food” or gas pump emoji and you may be done for.
According to The Hoot’s investigative reporting, your ex has lurked your Venmo profile 18 times in the past 12 hours. Does that concern you? It should, more than your friend Annie’s payment for “the za” you ordered 3 hours ago concerns them. And that’s a lot.
After reminiscing over your last shared payment for “the good kush” from 3 months ago (it was an Uber fare), your past paramour is over it. When asked for comment, they sniffled and said, “Please stop having a good time without me. What does the little fire emoji mean anyway? I miss you.”
Here at The Hoot, we suggest you use Cash App. For your safety, please.