In a last-minute attempt to secure any position with the title “President,” ex-Florida governor and presidential hopeless John Ellis “Jeb!” Bush signed up as a presidential candidate in FAU’s Spring 2016 Student Government Election.
While he used to have higher aspirations, Jeb is reported to have said, “There are less bullies in collegiate elections. I think I may have a better chance here.” Jeb chose his home gardener Pablito Sanchez to be his running mate, a move expert analysts are saying will prove his commitment to the Latino community of FAU.
Many have been sympathetic towards this new candidate. “I can’t imagine crying like that in front of SO many people like he did,” claimed senior Barbara Bush, Jeb’s mother. “He deserves this as much as Leo deserves an Oscar.”
Others have been critical. “This guy is a total wimp. I mean, like, he actually, for real, wants to talk to the Mexicans? Ugh. Thank God for Trump,” claimed freshman political science genius Erik Schwinn.
Jeb is reportedly keeping his chin up this time around, whispering to himself at every rally, “Come on, Jebby, you got this. New race, new you. So what if they don’t clap… you’re your own clapper. Give yourself a round of applause. Standing ovation. Yeah… yeah…”
Although voting ended this morning at 12:00AM, Jeb still is confident that he may have a chance to win.