In an exclusive interview with Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God revealed that Good Friday was, in fact, not very good. “Amen, amen, I say to you. Good Friday was ‘aight,” said Jesus as He walked past the FAU Calvary Chapel and its neighboring Catholic center locations. “Behold, I am the Son of the living God and I say to you that I can not find any good in Good Friday.”
Jesus, who was taking some oxycontin to ease the pain of the five massive holes in His body from the crucifixion two thousand years ago, seemed rather upset that people call the day of His crucifixion ‘good.’ “Come and see, the people are walking around here going, ‘Oh, it is Good Friday. Wow!’ like today is a good thing.”
Jesus stood on the top floor of the Arts and Letters building, where He stroked His beard in His holy white robes, thinking about how naive people are for thinking of the day as good. “Amen, amen, I say to you, whoever believes that crucifixion is a pleasant afternoon activity is a fool.” Jesus was largely ignored by the majority of the students he encountered, but His un-stately bearing and His Galilean appearance shocked sophomore Social Work major Emily Brown, who only learned later that she walked right past her Messiah. “My pastor always talks about Jesus being this prince figure. I never thought He would be so fugly looking.”
Jesus left the Arts and Letters Building to search for somebody who would give Him a kind word of gratitude or simply acknowledge that Jesus was having a sad day. “The Son of Man was pierced for humanity’s transgressions and I was crushed for your iniquities, but nobody wants to listen to me when I say that Good Friday was not good.” Jesus felt relieved to see some students engaging in a Bible study on the housing lawn and wanted to sit with them. As soon as Jesus greeted them, the group disbanded and fled. “To think, I am God, and my creation is so stupid that they run away from me.”
Jesus was heading to the bookstore to buy the Virgin Mother an FAU Mom sweatshirt when He encountered some members of Jews for Jesus heckling non-believers about why they need to believe. In their sudden joy, the group flocked to Jesus and jumped for joy around Him. Just as the Christ felt like He met a group who understood that his day of temporary death two thousand years ago was simply ‘aight, the group instantly said how great of a Friday Jesus must have had dragging a cross through Jerusalem. Senior Political Science major and proud Jew for Jesus Caiaphas Goldsachs the began yelling, “Hosanna! Hosanna! Hail to our crucified one on the most good of Good Fridays!”
On his way back to the Heavens, Jesus stressed that Good Friday was simply ‘aight. “Seriously, it was not a good day for me and it really was not all that glorious,” said Jesus as He made Himself a bread and fish lunch that would feed 5,000 people.