Lane Kiffin Wakes from Lobotomy Trance, Still Unsure How He Got Here

In a development surprising only to FAU upper management, new football coach Lane Kiffin has woken up from what appears to have been a lobotomy trance. Eyewitnesses claim that Kiffin finally removed his visor immediately after waking, revealing a visible 3-inch scar across the top of his forehead.

FAU football team captain Brian Slater, who was with Kiffin when he slipped out of his trance, reported that he had suspicions about Kiffin’s condition. “I’ve had five concussions, so I know exactly how Coach felt. He would eat 53 cups of Jell-O at exactly the same time every day, he wouldn’t talk about anything except football, and sometimes mid-practice he’d just stand there and drool for a couple minutes.”

Slater reported that Kiffin only slipped out of the trance when another player mentioned the Oakland Raiders’ 2007 season, Kiffin’s one and only full coaching season in the NFL. “All of the sudden he started rocking back and forth, shouting, ‘4-12, 4-12, 4-12.’ Once I told him 2007 was over and that he was the coach for FAU now, he screamed, “F-A-WHOO?!”

FAU’s contract with Kiffin shows on its face a salary of $950,000 per year. However, in looking at the terms and conditions, one can see the breakdown of the agreement: $54,000 for medical costs; another $200,000 for visors; and $696,000 for Jell-O.

Although initially wary of continuing on with FAU, Kiffin met with President Kelly to rework his contract. Sources reported that Kelly offered a confused Kiffin some Jell-O the moment he sat down for the meeting. Luckily, the meeting proved successful, as it ended with a scalpel-bearing Kelly presenting a visor-clad, Jell-O eating Kiffin to the FAU Board of Trustees.