Late Commuter Student Gets Blue Shell

Multiple injuries and fatalities occurred Friday morning on Interstate 95 when an explosion caused by an FAU commuter student sent multiple cars soaring in various directions. The student responsible is Jaime Garcia, who found himself late to class and in possession of a winged, blue-colored shell akin to the ones found in the Mario Kart franchise.  

The blue shell, or as it is officially known, the spiny shell, is an item from the Mario Kart game series that players in a losing position may receive during a race. The shell targets the first place player, chasing them throughout the track until it finally catches them, resulting in a large explosion that can also affect other drivers.

“I accidentally left my house a little late, so I figured I’d take I-95 to get to school,” Garcia explained to reporters. “Next thing I know, I’m trapped between a minivan and some fatass truck.”

“Suddenly, something flies through my windshield and lands in the passenger seat,” Garcia went on to say. “I look down and there’s this spiny blue turtle shell that looks a lot like the one from Mario Kart. Since I was freaked out and equally pissed, I just went ahead and chucked that thing out of the window. Seconds after, I see an explosion and a ton of cars flying all over the place. I was a little worried, but then I saw that the fast lane was cleared so I beelined it to FAU.”

At press time, police officials have gone on to state that what Garcia did was perfectly legal despite it being very petty. Autopsy reports have shown that many of deaths related to the blue shell explosion were caused by stress and “extreme saltiness.”