The Hoot’s investigative journalists have retrieved a document revealing that in January of 2013, former FAU President Mary Jane Saunders sold the naming rights of a planned FAU ice skating rink to the Claus Corporation. The corporation is widely known for their use of elf sweatshops, which most agree is the worst kind of sweatshop, and the deal was made only weeks after one of the most tragic factory collapses in elf history.
Shortly after 10:00 am on December 22, 2012 at the Claus Corporation’s North Pole headquarters, Factory Block 2-A, which specialized in the production of H&M clothing, caught fire and collapsed. This resulted in the deaths of over 300 elves. “It started out as a normal day,” Snickety the Elf told one of our reporters while trying to hold back his sugary elf tears. “But it all sled downhill from there.”
Officer Morgan the Polar Bear, a first responder, described the scene: “There were elves running everywhere. Some sat in the snow dumbfounded by what they had survived. But I will never forget the sight of the little elf feet sticking out of the rubble as the sickeningly sweet smell of gingerbread lingered in the air.” He would go on to describe it as the most adorable disaster he had ever seen.
Investigators of the collapse attribute the fire to the sweatshop conditions commonly found in the factories of the Claus Corporation, but Factory Block 2-A would reportedly not have collapsed if the building’s foundation had not been made solely out of gumdrops.
Saunders was pulling out of her driveway when we arrived this morning to question her. Upon asking for a moment of her time, her eyes turned red and she screamed “NO COMMENT,” revealing glistening white fangs. She then floored the accelerator and ran over one of our journalists. While she still has not been apprehended and has yet to reappear, one thing is certain: former FAU President Mary Jane Saunders does not believe elf lives matter.
Also, she’s probably a vampire.