Hey kiddos, me again. Your daddy-o and supreme leader PrezKel. Congrats, we made it fam. We FINALly made it! Haha. Yup, it’s officially Finals Week 2k16™ Part 1 and we got here without a single national headline about something dumb happening on campus. Word!
So before I start this letter I just want to say damn, kids, this semester has been kinda cray. A lot of shit has happened. From weird satanist extra credit sacrifices to our campus spaceship randomly lifting off, from emotional hurricanes to insensitive students breaking their own legs, I’m just glad that we were at least able to get a nice Harambe statue and a new Chick-fil-A after all of it. Oh! And whadja think about those Wiggles? God, such fucking brilliant artists ahead of their time.
I know you’re all flipping your shit over finals and need to go back to studying, so I will be brief. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being so damn cute every day, walking on campus like little ants in an ant farm. Sometimes I just want to squeeze your little cheeks for how cute you all are! I almost did once, but then my lovely wife Carolyn stopped me right as I was about to squeeze the voluptuous cheeks of a foxy little sophomore named Pedro.
Kiddos, remember how I said this was THE year we made waves that would cause a nation-wide tsunami? Well, I have been keeping an eye on the Atlantic horizon every day with the FAU telescope, and after extensive observation and hours of bubble gum chewing, I noticed something. In the distant distance, the wave is coming. We Are Doing It™! I got so excited that I talked to the marketing team and that’s our new school motto. I did it for you. I love you munchkins so much.
Let’s just say this has been a successful Fall semester and that all of you deserve to get an A+ for effort, even you freaks who wear pajamas to lecture hall. I love you all just the same and know you will totally kill it on your exams! Woohoo! And if you don’t, no worries brosefs, you can always re-take that class and see my luscious face for another semester.
Dr. John W. Kelly
P.s. Enjoy the Holidaze. Blaze it! Haha. Oh, and you’re all invited to my mega NYE pregame.