Wowzers. What a year. Can you believe it, kiddos? Its me again, Daddy Kelly (that’s my real name now, btw). And it’s about time I write you little cuties a love letter before you go off on summer break. I don’t know about you, but I’m already in fetal position and crying softly into my pillow. Quick shout out to my amazing wife Carolyn for typing this out for me as I speak it to her (I’m #2Emotional to type).
Boys and girls, first of all, let’s talk about our goal for this school year. Remember that goal? Remember how this was THE year? The year where we made the biggest waves EVER? Remember? We Are Doing It™, right? So quick update: the nation-wide tsunami didn’t happen. Yet. But guys, seriously, it’s still coming. Can’t you feel it too, kiddies?? Great!! Go Owls!! I promise next year is definitely it. The Big One™. Sorry, graduating seniors. :-’( Ok Carolyn, I’m done with this section. What? No, stop typing, god damn it!
A lot of stuff happened this year, guys. A new football coach, a Breezeway with new sense of purpose, a new Chick-fil-A, and wild fashion trends. But most importantly, a new me. This year I realized something: I love this school TOO much. So I’m gonna take a little vaKayKay before coming back for Fall. No worries, you can still catch me on Snapchat!
Also, how about a round of applause for our marketing team! Once again, another OWLmazing year of puns! Just couldn’t get enough from those TALONted employees. Those spicy boys and girls had a real hoot of a semester, with a HILARIOUS April Fools video. Haha! Horses. Lmbo, can’t wait to see what other new and exciting puns they bring next year.
Just a gentle reminder that you better be fucking ready to rock your socks out with our new football hotties come fall. I can feel that this is the year we gonna finally compete against our other home state colleges (looking at you FSUgly), #ReallyTalk. All thanks to my obviously sexy Lane Kiffypoo, who even recruited a mythical dragon for the offensive line. Yes Carolyn, I meant my Kiffypoo. It’s a work relationship. We’re just tight, ok? Like two tight-ends. Can you focus, please?
Anyway, if you guys think Kiffy has started making the rounds already, well you ain’t seen nothing yet. It’s no secret that this sexual beast has been on the prOWL for some time now, obviously, I mean have you seen him? But let me tell you something, my bae has a LOT of untapped libido he’s been saving for the Fall. Trust me. I am confident he will give FAU the sexual scandal we’ve all been waiting for soon enough.
So here we are, the final, tearful goodbye section. Look kiddos, I know you may think drugs are cool, but I am here to remind you to stay away from them like Fyre Fest 2017, haha. Also stay away from scientologists if you can help it. Other than that, #YOLO. H.A.G.S., baby! Or as us bad boys like to say, K.A.T.S.!!! But remember, kids, you’re not going home. Not really.
Ps. Shout out to The Hoot and their amazing not-fake news coverage this year. Hope we don’t have to sue those scrumptious little funny bunnies anytime soon.