Hey kiddos, it’s me. Your prez. Welcome back home. What’s kicking!
So I know this summer has been quite eventful and exciting for a lot of us. From the political shenanigans all the way to the Olympics, I think it’s safe to say that all of us, regardless of gender, have had our #DicksOutForHarambe. We dabbed so hard this summer. But it’s time to get back to business.
Kiddos, the reason I am writing this letter is to let you know that this is the year. The big one. The year we make waves SO big that it will cause a nation-wide tsunami. That’s right, squad, we will make history together. This year we are going to be hip. We are going to be noticed. And most importantly, we are going to be bold. But #ReallyTalk, as you folks would say, this is a big one. Did I say big?
Freshmen, I know this all seems overwhelming to you, but fear not. All you have to do is chill, fam! Enjoy our Chik-fil-a(!) on campus and soak in the freedom that college brings.
Everyone else, please remember to shut your damn mouth if you have any negative things to say about our glorious institution. Never slander the motherland. We are great. End of story.
My children, please #dontforget to go to our football games. We spent a lot of money on that stadium, but our statistics show that most of you only go there for the Subway. I mean, Subway is great. Go Subway! But 70 million dollars for just a Subway is a little pricey, don’t you think? A wee reminder that we made you a glorious stadium and that maybe you should check it out more often. We also made a really great video for you too if you haven’t seen it yet. Aren’t we great?
Anyways y’all, I just hope everyone enjoys this new year. Enjoy the renovations and newly added Chik-fil-a(!) milkshakes. Good luck shopping for textbooks and remember that the school bookstore always has the best deals when it comes to anything ever (our $15.99 gel pens are really worth that extra buck). Keep it real and rad this semester, and remember, this year is going to be bigger than #KimvTaylor.
Dr. John W. Kelly
P.s. Don’t forget to follow me on Snapchat