Littered Tailgate Beer Gets Gopher Tortoise White Girl Wasted

On Sunday morning outside of FAU football stadium, a lost gopher tortoise was found completely “shit-faced” drunk off beer cans left behind from Saturday night’s tailgate parties. Members of FAU’s volunteer post-game clean-up crew found Larry, the seventy-four year old tortoise who has been living on FAU’s nature reserve for most of his life, stumbling around the parking lot while drunk texting all his exes. After taking him to the nature recovery center, they found that he had a blood alcohol content of 0.30 and confirmed that if they had not saved him, he could have found himself singing karaoke to Taylor Swift at the bar down the street. “I’ve never seen someone that drunk, I felt so bad for him,” said Laura Empson, a freshmen volunteer. “The last time I saw something so humiliating was when I watched my friend Kathy down a Four Loko her senior year of high school. Two hours later she was crouching next to her refrigerator, telling Robbie all about the potato incident.” At press time, Larry was in full recovery, but he could not remember a single thing about the night except for a particularly peculiar puddle he found under a Jeep.