On Monday morning, FAU sophomore Brad Dixon bravely came out to his roommates and revealed that he politically identifies as a Republican. Dixon reportedly broke the news of his new lifestyle choices with tears, explaining to his closest friends that their relationship doesn’t have to change.
“It’s a little tough to look at Brad now with his political views, but honestly his reveal didn’t surprise me at all,” said Tomas Hunt, now former roommate of Dixon. “There were small signs everywhere, like his stance on the budget deficit, his preference for small government, and his inability to make eye contact with poor people.”
“I’m not sure why everybody is looking at me so differently now,” said a perplexed Dixon.”I mean, I’m still Brad. I’m still the same person and I’m just like everyone else. It’s just that I hate other races, ethnicities, religions, countries, sexes, socio-economic statuses, and gender identities that aren’t my own. I just don’t get why it’s so tough for all these fucking snowflakes to accept me for who I am.”
At press time, Dixon had already lost a reported estimate of nearly 93% of his friends on campus. He has since cited this as an example of Republicans being unfairly attacked, declaring that anyone who hates him for his non-accepting views is just a liberal bigot.