New roommate and avid masturbator Darren Doyle was reportedly staking out his roommate late last night in the hopes to score a quickie with his right hand while he slept. “Whether he wants to take a power nap, get a night’s rest, or pass out after a couple of drinks, I will be waiting for his eyelids to rest so I can get my steamy date with Pamela Handerson in,” said Doyle, a freshman at FAU and master of choking the chicken. “I think I’ve perfected my ability to act like nothing is going on when my roommate randomly wakes up. I’m really discreet. I’d hate for him to never sleep again because of me.” Doyle’s roommate Anthony Sousa confirmed he had no idea that his new roomie was patiently awaiting his slumber to violently masturbate, but that he had his suspicions when after waking up from one of Sousa’s afternoon naps, Doyle screamed “I am not jackin’ the beanstalk!” before running to the bathroom.