Junior Katherine Cook is now seeking closure and a possible lawsuit against FAU for emotional distress after being attacked outside Chick-fil-A in what some would describe as the most brutal act of gang violence any university has ever seen.
The incident arose last Friday after Cook purchased a meal from the campus’ most popular food source. Upon receiving her order, Cook exited the building and ventured outside where she was confronted by a ravenous pack of killer campus ducks who were holding upside down guns, twirling knives, yelling incomprehensible threats, and attempting to make strange finger signs with their feathers. “It was like a scene straight out of Angry Birds meets Boyz N the Hood featuring Bruce Lee and Master Crane from Kung Fu Panda,” recalled the traumatized student as she wiped away tears from her bloodshot eyes. “One minute I’m fantasizing over my sandwich, then the next minute these ducks are flinging into the air and falcon punching me until I drop my bag.”
Students that were present say it was a heartbreaking sight. “This poor girl spent an outrageous $4 on the milkshake alone. I can’t imagine the pain she’s going through,” stated Branson Lindo, a first-hand witness, as he sipped from his large sized vanilla Chick-fil-A milkshake.
FAU has expressed that they are entirely aware of the rise in duck gang violence, having seen instances of words like “Quack” spray-painted on the school’s sidewalks and walls. Campus police have been on the lookout for ducks wearing sideways hats with big chains around their necks and blasting fiery hot mixtapes.
While it remains unclear if the victim will ever find the closure she is searching for or if FAU will resolve the duck gang issue, one thing is certain: Katherine Cook will forever be haunted by the sinister quacking of the ducks that left her to starve. “It just flat out sucks, man. I waited in line forever for my order and got attacked when I could’ve just eaten the free Dunkin’ Donuts they were handing out right in front of the library.”