Mike Pence to Visit FAU, Theatre Dept to Burn All Meaningful Material

Vice President-elect Mike Pence has announced plans to visit FAU in January, prompting the school’s theatre department to locate and set fire to all books and scripts which may have meaning behind them.

“We’d hate to have the second most powerful politician in this country come to one of our shows and have to think about politics,” said Theatre Department Chair Desmond Gallant. “We understand that sometimes, even the people who make a four-year pact to have near-complete control over the rights of 324 million people need a break sometimes.”

The decision came as a reaction to the recent performance of the Broadway musical ‘Hamilton,’ where an attending Mike Pence was confronted by the cast to consider the pro-diversity message of the show. “As it stands now, our shows tend to make people think,” Gallant continued. “Sometimes about human existence, sometimes about politics, sometimes any number of other potentially disturbing topics. The only way to completely remove all of that meaning is to burn it all. I mean, we just finished a two-week run of ‘The Diary of Anne Frank.’ Could you imagine how triggered he might have been if he arrived then?”

Art and entertainment have always been inextricably linked, but the FAU theatre department is determined to separate the two for Pence. “We always try to be a safe space for our LGBT friends, so they won’t get bullied or beaten or murdered,” said student Avery Baschman. “We’re likewise happy to be a safe space for the right-hand man of our commander-in-chief, so he won’t have to think about the 3.797 million square miles worth of people he’s sworn to protect. Burning everything is just the beginning: some students have already started electrocuting themselves until they stop caring about artistic expression. Heartwarming!”

At press time, Pence’s “daddy,” President-elect Trump, tweeted, “Looks like FAU theater acts different depending on who it’s talking to. Very suspicious!”