Missing Student Found Under Rock After Four Years: “Well at least we still have Vine, right?”

“So they lifted this big ass rock, and like, there was a gut-wrenching scream that immediately followed. I’m pretty sure the guy next to me shat himself, I don’t know, I smelled shit wafting from him at that same moment. I’m actually not sure which was more shocking, that guy was pretty built,” said our Hoot reporter on this shocking moment.

Last week, there was a startling discovery made on campus. As ongoing construction takes place — and various fields are cleared for future sites — a random rock was lifted by crane, and what dwelled beneath shocked all that were there. A man named Henry Moleman emerged screaming at the brightness of the sun. Henry has been reported missing since the summer of 2016. Luckily, a Hoot reporter happened to be there and got a chance at an exclusive interview with Moleman.

Reporter: “How did you end up under the rock?”

Henry: “It seemed like it was just yesterday now, being in the sun. God–the birds, the sounds…”

Reporter: “How-”

Henry: “It was the dawn of Pokemon Go, there was word of a Dratini out here. Foolishly, I chased it in the dark. I fell into the hole, and as I tried to climb out, the loose earth caved in and that rock rolled over the hole.”

Reporter: “Damn, did you at least get the Dratini?”

Henry: “No. But that doesn’t matter now. What matters is living in the moment, living like tomorrow you could fall into a hole.”

Reporter: “Well right now there’s a global pandemic, basically everything is shut down, so it’s not much better than being under a rock.”

Henry: “Oh my god. Well at least we still have Vine, right?”

Reporter: “…”

Further interviewing revealed that Moleman survived off of rats, bugs, and burrowing owls.