We’ve all been there: One day you wake up for an early morning fishing trip with your father only to find find he has run away, never to return! No matter how many dads come and go, each one leaves a unique, permanent mark on your psyche. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of my personal top 8 most memorable dads who ran away and never came back.
I remember that time you lifted me up and pretended I was a rocketship, blasting off into space on a miraculous voyage where certain danger would threaten us at every turn. I hope you’re off in space right now, avoiding asteroids and aliens and stuff. You’ll come back one day to take me with you, right, dad? Dad?
You always wanted to make an impression, Pop-pop. And you succeeded! Nothing will ever make me forget the soul-crushing realization that you weren’t just on a long business trip to meet the President in Hawaii. I wish all my dads were this memorable!
You bad boy, you. I didn’t think we’d ever see each other again after that single candid affair out behind Club Drupaceous. And I was right!
Sometimes you get the dad. Sometimes the dad gets you. And sometimes Dad drives off in the middle of the night in a U-Haul with Ms. Mississippi in the passenger’s seat. Parenting win!
5. Mr. Quackyface
Mom says I just imprinted on you because of your height, but we both know the real story, Mr. Quackyface.
6. That Coke Vending Machine
Someone once told me it was wrong to love a vending machine. That someone certainly wasn’t my mother. Life’s probably better off without you around. I do miss all those free Cokes, though.
This is one really long game of hide and seek, Dad! You’re a master at this game. But I refuse to give up before finding you!
8. Mr. T
I pity the fool who would ever forget your sudden departure from our family’s happy domestic life!