In honor of National Coming Out Day, FAU decided Wednesday morning to use their supreme authority over sexuality to declare all homophobia canceled at once. The FAU executive board reportedly met with various world leaders in the Gender & Sexuality advising office to reach this unanimous decision.
“I can’t believe it!” said senior Lorena Tortellini. “I walked by a man holding up a ‘God Hates Fags’ sign and told him the news. Without hesitation, he immediately dropped the sign and hugged me. He would have apologized for his past behavior, but luckily for all of us, homophobia no longer exists, so he no longer has anything to apologize for.”
The man, father of three and once-passionate homophobe Terry Scruff, was elated. “Honestly, I’m so over homophobia. I just did it for the attention,” he said, breaking his sign in half and placing it gently in a recycling bin. “Maybe now I’ll have time to spend with my kids and teach them about the wonders of the gays.”
Some have expressed concern that this cancellation only applies to Earth, but astronomy major Jennifer Greenwald says there’s nothing to worry about. “Humans are the only species in the universe who were stupid enough to create homophobia in the first place. Luckily, this decision completely obliterated the concept and all its implications from every person in every culture on the planet, with zero caveats. And it’s all thanks to FAU and their amazing advising team! They may not be able to help you graduate on time, but at least they can eliminate centuries of systemic oppression.”