New ‘Douche Bucks’ Program Rewards Campus Douches with Protein Powder

Beginning this past Monday, FAU instituted its new currency program “Douche Bucks,” a spin on the popular “Owl Bucks” program, on the Boca, Jupiter, and Davie campuses.

The program is relatively simple. Whenever someone on campus sees a student acting douchey, all they have to do is take a picture of the student and text it, along with the word ‘DOUCHE,’ to the number 368243. Owls Care receives these pictures and diagnoses the student’s relative level of douchiness. This information is then passed on to the Controller’s Office, which assigns the corresponding number of Douche Bucks to the student.

Very few places on campus accept Douche Bucks. In fact, only one place does: Outtakes. And they only accept the Douche Bucks if you use them to buy protein powder.

“We accidentally shipped in way too much protein powder,” Outtakes representative Jason Fick clarified. “Three thousand pounds of it. I think that’s how this whole Douche Bucks mess got started.”

Reaction on campus has been mixed.

“I don’t get why I have so many Douche Bucks,” said Resident Frat Douche Falcon Hawkmoon as he stood on his longboard, blew vapor in our reporter’s direction, and slowly caressed his biceps. “Whatever, bro, more protein for these bad boys.”

Student Rebecca Stevens, on the other hand, is thrilled. “I used to get so mad when people were douchey. But now it’s turned into a game. Like, when I see someone acting douchey, I’m not upset anymore. I just whip out my phone…” Stevens trailed off when she spotted a student riding his bike down the Breezeway and took out her phone to take a picture of him, but right before she could, he whipped out his phone and took a picture of her.

Stevens walked back to our reporter looking stunned. “Am… Am I the douche?”

If douchey students choose to not buy protein powder with their Douche Bucks, they might graduate with an excess number of Douche Bucks. In that case, the number of Douche Bucks in their possession will be reflected on their diploma.

Overachiever Maxine Heiner said, “I’ve been douching it up to the best of my abilities. You see, most universities offer regular Latin honors like Magna Cum Laude. I feel like that won’t make my resume pop though, because everyone’s already seen that! Now, with the arrival of these new ‘Douche Bucks,’ FAU has become the only university to award students the Latin Honor, ‘Magna Cum Douche.’ How cool is that?”