In light of multiple recent incidents where National Football League athletes refused to stand for the national anthem, a new constitutional amendment has been proposed to require all professional football players to constantly stand forever, no matter what. Although it takes a difficult three-fourths vote of all collective states for an amendment to be ratified, leaders of the United Patriots for the Constitutional Bill of Rights and Freedom (UPCBRF), who proposed the amendment, are confident that our gridlocked and polarized political system will “definitely” come together to combat this “monumental issue” facing our nation.
“Football players have the thigh and calf muscles I have always dreamed of having,” said Joe Foster, chairman of the board for UPCBRF. “For them to be sitting, kneeling, or lying down is a waste of our taxpayer dollars.” When reminded that professional athletes are funded by the private sector and not the federal government, Joe mumbled that the federal government should abolish the IRS and replace it with the NFL, then demanded an applause for his courage in speaking his mind.
Football experts all around the country are claiming that constantly-standing football players will change the game forever. Many have voiced concerns that stars like Cam Newton and Tom Brady would never be allowed to sleep lying down ever again, thus dramatically slowing down the pace of the game. Others, however, feel differently.
“They get paid the big bucks for a reason,” said ESPN analyst and UPCBRF sympathizer Trent Dilfer. “Although we each have the right to do what we want, what we want is that all football players stand every second of their life until their slow and miserable death.”
At press time, UPCBRF spokeswoman Kathy Green told The Hoot that her organization will campaign for as long as it takes to make sure that their freedom to limit athletes’ sitting, kneeling, and lying privileges is rightfully secured. “The most beautiful part of America,” claimed Green, “is the fact that it is our God given right to do whatever the hell we want.”